


i don't even know myself

by Ironwingedhawk



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, buckle up this will be angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2020-11-22 17:57:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironwingedhawk/pseuds/Ironwingedhawk
Summary: "He doesn’t remember the Ice Court anymore. Wylan, he doesn’t remember you anymore."





	1. Chapter 1

_ Jesper _

It was early in the morning, when Jesper headed out. After he was dressed, he leaned over to press a kiss to Wylans forehead. His red curls smelled like vanilla and the scent drove him mad in the best way. Wylan shifted a little and mumbled something Jesper couldn’t quiet make out and then he was back to sleep. Jesper smiled at him and shook his head fondly. Sometimes, he felt like he loved Wylan in a way that was almost painful. Then he felt like that one time he had watched Wylan in the lab. He’d put a small drop into a glass and the drop had extended until the glass had bursted. The drop was the love, the glass Jespers body. 

He wished, that Wylan would come with him but there was no use for that. His lessons at Bigsbys were probably boring for any non fabricator.    
They were even boring to Jesper. But he had to admit, that they helped. Bigsby was from Kaelish and one of the few Grisha left in the city. Wylan had found him after some digging, although Jesper suspected, that a certain Suli girl, back from a raid, or a certain thief had been involved in that search.

Half of the lessons were mostly just Jesper staring at things and trying to feel the smallest parts of them. The other half was Jesper moving things or particles around. Not really entertaining.

Jesper looked down at his painted nails, as he tied his shoes. He still loved the barrel flash, moving to the Geldstraat hasn’t changed that. He looked at Wylans sleeping form, so peaceful and vulnerable. Sometimes he was worried that the one of the gangs would target him, or that his father would come back from prison. But rumor travelled fast in the city and it was well known, that Wylan was under protection of not just the dregs but Kaz himself. No one would dare to cross him. Jesper sighed, then he turned around and left their room.

The Van Eck mansion was already alive with the busy workings of the servants. It reminded Jesper of an ant hill they had close to the farm back in Novi Zem. So many people all with different tasks, minding their everyday business without bothering each other. They functioned like a well oiled machine and sometimes it struck Jesper to how different that was from how the dregs worked.

Jesper shifted through the people, giving each of them a greeting and a friendly smile and went straight to the front door.

The air outside was crisp and heavy with fog. The winter was fast approaching and soon, there might be snow covering the wet streets of the city. Jesper imagined, that Wylan would look adorable with white snowflakes in his fiery red curls. He liked to imagine them walking the gardens, covered in white and warming up together in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate and coffee.

Soon.

Jesper had a long walk ahead but he didn’t mind the cold. He left the Geldstraat and made his way towards the barrel, where Bigsby lived in a small apartment house, just above one of the shadier bars. Suddenly, there was a breeze of air, than an ache on his head and then everything turned dark.

_ Wylan _

Wylan yawned when he woke up. He looked around the room, wondering where Jesper went. He got up and felt the wheels in his head slowly starting to spin. He remembered the ghost of a kiss, but he wasn’t sure if it had been a dream, a memory from last night or something that happened earlier this morning.

Then he remembered what day it was. Friday. Friday was when Jes went to his fabricator training and had to get up early. He wondered, when he’d be back. Sometimes, Jesper only stayed an hour, when Bigsby didn’t have much time, sometimes, he stayed the whole day.

Wylan didn’t like the uncertainty that came with it. But he usually used the time to paint, or play music without Jesper distracting him in any kind of way.

“Master Wylan?”, a servant asked, knocking at the door, “Master Jesper?”

Wylan sighed, he didn’t like being called Master but at least they had convinced the servants to use their first names.

It was better than Master VanEck and Master Fahey.

Wylan yawned and hushed back, “Not decent yet, thanks, Marie.”

“Oh, excuse me. I’ll be back later to bring you your coffee.”

“Thanks and it’s not your fault, I slept in.”, Wylan mumbled and grabbed some clothes from the wardrobe. He went to the bathroom and washed himself. A look in the mirror reminded him of Jespers and his make out session last night. He had a dark red hickey right above his collar bone. Luckily it was just at the right place to be covered by the white collar of his shirt. He had to thank Jesper for that.

When Wylan left the bathroom, he had to stop himself from making an embarrassing sound of shock. Kaz Brekker was sitting on an armchair in the corner of the bedroom. Most people would lose it over seeing Dirtyhands in their house but in Wylans case it was more the unexpectedness of the situation, than the boy himself.

“Kaz.”, Wylan said, hoping that it sounded collected enough, “Jesper isn’t here.”

“I’m here for you.”, Kaz said and there was something in his voice. The slightest tremble. Most people wouldn’t recognize it, it only differed little from Kaz’ usual voice.

“Oh.”, Wylan said, he had trouble connecting the tremble to an emotion but he thought that if it was anger, he wouldn’t be unharmed anymore.

“Wylan.”, Kaz started, “Something happened.”

“What?”, Wylan asked, “Is Inej okay?”

Kaz looked away for a moment and then nodded, “Jesper was beaten up in the barrel.”

“What?!”, Wylan felt his chest tightening his hands feeling both cold and warm at the same time, “Is he okay?!”

“He is healthy.”, Kaz said, “But he doesn’t remember the Ice Court anymore. Wylan, he doesn’t remember you anymore.”


	2. Chapter 2

_ Wylan _

Kaz and Wylan walked to the slat side by side and for a while Wylan didn’t say anything. It wasn’t that there was any lack of possible questions, but he was too busy thinking. About Jesper and everything, that had happened to him ever since they met.

“What happened?”, he finally asked.

“I don’t know. Not yet. Rotty found him on the way to a job. Knocked out. He came to it half an hour ago and asked about a job from shortly before I send him to contact you.”

Wylan swallowed, “Have you told him anything yet?”

“He’s still a little wobbly on the feet. I ordered him to stay in bed. Didn’t tell him, he doesn’t work for me anymore, then he wouldn’t follow my orders.”

Wylan knew, that Jesper would still do basically anything for Kaz but he didn’t say it. Kaz Kaz continued, “I send out some people to get a medic, we have working for us but it can most likely knew that too. It would be un-Kaz-like not to know.

take some time to get him here.”

“Thank you.”

“Jesper is still an investment, who helps us from time to time. Can’t waste that.”

Wylan ignored that obvious lie and nodded, “I’m gonna start by telling him about Colm. That he doesn’t have debts, I-”

“You?”

“When I talk to him?”

“I’ll talk to him.”, Kaz said sharply.

Wylan knew better than to argue but it didn’t stop him. He loved Jesper. He needed to talk to him, maybe he could make him remember. Maybe seeing him would already be enough. “Kaz. No offense, but he is my boyf-”

“You are a stranger to him, Wylan.”, Kaz hissed, “He knows me. He trusts me. You will just confuse and annoy him.”

Wylan glared at Kaz, he wanted to say something. Wanted to say that this wasn’t true and that it was best for him to see Jes, but it wasn’t the truth.

“Why did you pick me up then?”

“To tell you.”, Kaz shrugged, “And you can talk to him, when I’m done and did my best to soften the blow.”. It was one of the nicest things, Wylan had ever heard from Kaz. That he wanted to soften the blow for Jesper.

“Thank you.”

“Just don’t lie to him.”, Kaz said and looked at Wylan, stopping in his quick steps, “He doesn’t deserve that.”

“I know. Better terrible truths, than kind lies.”

A smile played around Kaz’ lips, “Exactly.”

In any other situation Wylan would have been pleased by getting something right in front of Kaz. But not today.

They arrived at the slat after a few minutes of silent walking. Wylan immediately noticed the silence. He hadn’t been here often but usually, it was always busy. People going to their rooms or coming out of them, and voices filling up the narrow hallways, because of the patchy and thin walls. Today it was silent.

“Where is everyone.”

“Out.”

Wylan stared at Kaz, “Does he need sleep that bad?”

Kaz shook his head, “I send my people to find whoever did this.”

“Good.”

Kaz frowned, “Doesn’t sound like you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Righteous anger suits you.”

Wylan shrugged and Kaz sighed, “You can listen from the room next door, okay?”

“Thank you.”

Kaz shrugged, “I’m not a complete monster. There is nothing to gain for me from you and Jesper being unhappy. So I prefer you happy too.”

“Hey, Jes.”, Kaz voice was almost gentle, which made the hairs on Wylans back stand up. Kaz wasn’t supposed to sound like this. It reminded Wylan of Kaz talking to Smeet, that night he returned the dog whistle.

“You’re back.”, Jespers voice said. The effect the familiar mumble had on Wylan was almost magical.

That was his boyfriend.

“Yeah.”, Kaz said, sounding absolutely casual.

“What happened?”, Jesper asked, “No one would tell me.”

“You were attacked.”, Kaz replied, “We don’t know exactly by who, but I already send people to tear down the barrel, looking for answers.”

Jesper groaned and Wylan could hear the sound of a mattress shifting, “I can help too, I had a fight with Oomen a few nights back, maybe it was him.”, he groaned again, “Son of a bitch.”

“I killed Oomen months ago.”

Wylan wanted to storm in and yell at Kaz. This was how he was gonna tell Jesper about his Amnesia?!

“I talked to him yesterday ,Kaz. Met him in front of the Candyshop.”

“Jesper.”, Kaz started and again his voice went so soft it was odd, “It’s winter.”

“I don’t-”

“You lost part of your memory.”, Kaz said and for a moment, Wylan was sure his voice actually broke.

There was a moment of pure and uninterrupted silence. It felt as if even the crows outside of the windows decided not to make any sounds. It felt as if the world was holding its breath. Just like Wylan was right now.

“I don’t- I would know?”

“Jes, you wouldn’t. That’s the whole point.”

“What happened?”

“A lot.”, Kaz said and Wylan could hear the sound of the mattress. He guessed, Kaz had sat down next to Jesper and Wylan felt that familiar burn of jealousy. He wasn’t an idiot. Jesper had been in love with Kaz for a while. He knew, that he wasn’t anymore. Well, his Jesper hadn’t been anymore. 

This Jesper probably still felt something for Kaz.

“What?”

“We broke into the ice court.”, Kaz said, “And we destroyed the reputation of a merchant, we got rich. You don’t have any more debts. Your fathers farm is safe.”

“Thank the saints.”, Jesper whispered, “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You would make that up.”, Jesper said tensely.

“Only, if I profit from it.”

It seemed to be enough for Jesper, because he let out a relieved sigh and whispered, “No more debts.”

“You told your Dad about them and he was here. He was so happy to see you. You showed him, what you had become and he didn’t care. He loves you Jess. Still does.”

Wylan is sure, he hears Jesper sob quietly, “Thanks for telling me.”

“You deserve to hear it.”

There was a long period of silence, then Jesper cleared his throat and asked, “I’m rich?”

“Yeah. You don’t live here anymore.”

Jesper was silent for a moment, “What? But this is my room.”

“Rotty moved here now.”, Kaz said and there was another pause, “He didn’t change much, I guess.”

“Where- where do I live?”

Wylan swallowed and felt himself tense. This was it. This was the moment, that could change everything. Most likely.

“You live with your boyfriend.”

“My- what?”

The words were like a punch to the guts. They felt like the very first time, Wylans father had told him, what a failure he was. It was that immeasurable feeling of disappointment and sadness, that filled Wylan from head to toe.

“Your boyfriend.”, Kaz said, “Wylan VanEck. A nice kid, if you ask me. You two fit well together.”

For a moment, the sadness within Wylan was replaced by hope and by a giddy joy at Kaz’ unusually kind words but then every spark of hope within him was shattered.

“Like that merchant? Did you want me to seduce his kid, so we can rob them?”

Wylan swallowed, it wasn’t the cruelty of Jespers assumption but his firm belief behind it. Jesper was sure, that this had to be the case. There was no other theory for him.

“No, you two are in love.”

“I’ve never been in a real relationship.”, Jesper said, “You must be mistaken, Kaz.”

“I’m not.”

“Then where is he? Where is he, if we are so in love?”, the mocking tone of Jespers voice was hurtful enough to cause Wylan to cry.

“He’s here.”, Kaz said, “But I thought it would be easier to hear from someone you actually remember.”

“Is he cute.”

“I don’t know.”, Kaz said coldly.

Jesper laughed, “I wouldn’t settle for anything less. So he must be. But Kaz, I don’t think, I could really be in a relationship.”

Kaz sighed, “I can call your boyfriend in, if you want me to.”

Wylan froze. How should he handle this? Could he do this? He felt so dumb all of the sudden. Dumb and unprepared.

“I-I don’t know.”, Jes stuttered.

That hurt more than anything else.

“I know, that he worries about you. And I think you should talk. Maybe, it can help.”

Jesper blew out a breath, that was loud enough for Wylan to hear, “Fine, I guess. But only because I trust you.”

Pain. 

All Wylan felt was pain.

“Wylan?”, Kaz asked and the voice carried over so well, that Wylan was sure, Kaz had talked to the wall he was listening against.

For a moment, Wylan didn’t react. He had the egoistic thought, that he just could leave. Jesper wouldn’t miss him and he wouldn’t be rejected.

But Wylan needed Jes. And Jesper needed Wylan. At least he always used to say that.

He swallowed and walked towards the door, opening it, “Hey.”

The look Jesper gave Wylan made him want to hurl. It wasn’t that Jesper looked at him with any negative emotion. He actually looked appreciating. The problem was that it was the way someone looked at someone upon meeting them for the first time.

“Hi, Jes.”, Wylan said, feeling so damn weak.

“Oh, I like my taste.”, Jesper quipped but the unusually fake smile on his lips didn’t reach his eyes.

Wylan looked at Kaz for help. Asking Kaz for help was usually a good thing, as long as you had something in return. Asking him for help in emotional matters seemed like a terrible idea though.

The strangest thing was, that Kaz looked incredibly uncomfortable. Wylan had never seen him like this.

“I’ll leave you alone.”, Kaz mumbled.

At least, Jesper looked as panicked as Wylan felt. It hurt but at the same time, Wylan was happy he wasn’t alone.

“So.”, Jesper said, after the door fell shut, “We are like dating?”

Wylan nodded, “For a bit now.”

“Sounds. Nice?”

“It is.”, Wylan said and smiled at Jesper. He was still his.

Jesper shrugged, “You are a lucky man.”

Definitely still the same Jesper. Still his Jesper. That was still the boy Wylan had helplessly fallen in love with.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t remember you, I’m sorry. And I’m only seventy percent sure, this isn’t some weird trick played by Kaz.”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

Jesper laughed, “I think, I know him better than you.”

“You know your Kaz better than I. I know the current one better.”, Wylan said and wondered if Kaz was listening to their talk, like he had earlier. If he did he might murder Wylan for these words.

“What do you mean?”

“He’s changed.”

“Doesn’t sound like him.”

Wylan huffed, “I know but I think, we all did.”

“How did I change?”

Wylan bit his lip, “You gambled less. You learned better to control the urge that made you want to play. We figured, it might be due to your Grisha powers.”

“You know, I’m-?”

“Yeah.”

Jesper shook his head, “What you said doesn’t make any sense.”

“You said that back then too. But think about it. You can manipulate metal. Why not bullets?”

“I’m not that strong.”

“Maybe, you are.”

Jesper looked away, “I want to talk to Kaz.”

That hurt. It hasn’t even been five minutes of talking with Wylan and Jesper wanted to talk to Kaz again. He had showed no sign of remembering.

Returning to his house, when Jesper wasn’t there felt weird. In a way, it felt like back then, when it had been just Wylan and his father. It wasn’t just Jespers memory, that had been reset to almost a year ago but also some part of Wylans life. 

Of course, he was better off now. His father was in prison, his mother was back home and Wylan was more confident in general but something was back.

That lingering feeling of isolation.

Wylan felt alone.

Alone, when he walked into the room they shared, and Jesper wasn’t there. Alone, when he sat in the office and Jespers voice didn’t fill the air. Alone, when he went to bed at night.

He had agreed to Kaz’ suggestion to meet him and Jes tomorrow, but Wylan dreaded the hate.

“Wylan?”

Wylan flinched for a moment. But he recognised the voice. Inej.

The wraith was crouching on the ledge of the window, looking at him with sympathy in her eyes.

“I didn’t know, you were in town.”

Inej shook her head, “I arrived two days ago. I wanted to come over. I haven’t- I haven’t able to talk to Jes yet. I wanted to give him space.

“He doesn’t know me anymore.”, Wylan said. And then he felt his eyes wettening.

“Wy.”,Inej whispered and walked over to him, her steps like feathers on the wooden floor. And then suddenly, she was hugging him.

Wylan allowed himself to collapse into her arms. He wasn’t sure, if he had ever hugged Inej before. They had grown close, during the time in between the auction and her leaving the town. When she had lived her with him and Jes. Jes and her had always been close and it had made Wylan even more relieved when he and Inej had gotten along better.

“I don’t know, what to do.”

Inej rubbed his back, before she pulled away. She looked a little pale and took a step backwards. She regained her posture and swallowed, “Be there for him. It’s hard for him. It has to be.”

“I know.”

“Maybe you should visit his Da. Take him away from the city and the gambling places.”

Wylan bit his lip at that. Inej tilted her head and frowned, “What are you thinking?”

“I’m scared, that Colm will be disappointed in me. That I didn’t protect him.”, Wylan shrugged.

“Jes is a big boy, he can take care of himself. And that doesn’t sound like something Colm would say or think.”

Wylan sighed, “I know.”

“You are scared of that. Of spending time with him?”

“That obvious?”

“I’ve learnt reading people by practicing on Kaz Brekker. No offense but you aren’t a challenge compared to him.”

Wylan huffed, “You know, I’ll ask him. Jes, I mean. If he wants to visit his Da with me.”

“That’s all I want.”, Inej smiled brightly.


	3. Chapter 3

Wylan knocked at Jespers door and braced himself for the worst. When Jesper opened and looked at Wylan, there was no doubt, he was irritated, “You again.”  
“Hey.”  
Jesper frowned, “Listen, I know, we are kind of dating but I don’t really-”  
“I know.”, Wylan looked down at his feet, “I have a suggestion. Well, a friend of mine had an idea. Inej.”  
“I still remember her.”, Jes said somberly.  
“I know, I know. She suggested we went to your Das together.”  
Jesper frowned and tilted his head the slightest bit. It hurt Wylan how cute that looked in this moment, “Why?”  
“I think it would help.”  
“I don’t think, I know you well enough to introduce you to my father.”  
Wylan swallowed, “You already did.”  
“Really?”, Jes asked and he looked more shocked than he had ever seen him, “How- How was it?”  
“He came over to look after you. You were scared but eventually told him the truth. He forgave you for the thing about the farm. You introduced me as your friend, which I suppose was true at the time. I think your father always saw, that there was more to the two of us than that.”  
Jesper swallowed, “There was?”  
Wylan ignored the way, the word ‘was’ hurt in that context. Was. They were over. He had always known that but it just felt so official now, “There was.”  
Jesper nodded and looked insecure. It wasn’t a good look on him. Wylan knew, that Jesper wasn’t as sure of himself as he acted. He never had been.  
But this was new. This open display of weakness. He must have been terrified.  
“Listen, you don’t have to take me. You can go there by yourself, but I think time with your Dad would be good. Just to get you away from the slat and the barrel.”  
“I don’t need to be babysat.”  
Wylan shrugged and then nodded, “I mean, that’s not-”, he shook his head, “I’d like to visit your Da too, you know. See the farm.”  
Jesper looked at him and something softened, “You’ve never been with me?”  
“No.”  
“Did we- did we plan to?”  
Wylan just nodded, “We actually wanted to go a few days ago. But I got a cold.”  
“I wouldn’t have been in the city then.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Wouldn’t have been hit.”  
Wylan nodded and looked away.  
“It’s not your fault.”  
“It feels like it is.”, he laughed weakly and then turned away. He didn’t want Jesper to see him cry.  
Not this Jesper.  
Jesper shook his head, “Please. I’ll go with you.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah.”  
Wylan stared at him and smiled and for a moment, he was sure, Jesper was smiling back at him, like he used to do.  
“How long has it been, since you visited your Das?”, Wylan asked, in an attempt to not let the situation be ruined by awkward silence.  
“I haven’t been there since I moved to Ketterdam.”, Jesper shrugged and looked at his hands, then he looked up at Wylan, “Can I ask you something? It’s a little different from what we just discussed, but-”  
“It’s okay.”  
“Are Kaz and Inej a thing now?”  
Wylan laughed at the unexpected question, “To be honest: I don’t know. I mean, there’s days, I’m sure and there’s days I think the opposite.”  
“So nothing changed there.”, Jesper said with a smirk and Wylan could tell, that he was thinking about something.  
“I don’t think so. I mean, I think little things changed, but Inej is rarely around.”  
“Why?”, Jes asked and tilted his head curiously, Wylan saw him opening a bottle of something alcoholic. He offered him a sip, Wylan gratefully took.  
“Inej got herself a ship. ‘The wraith’, she is hunting slavers and sex traffickers. She’s a real hero, if you ask me.”  
“That sounds- amazing.”  
“It is. She seems happy. Sometimes, she comes to visit. Mostly she visits Kaz but she usually stays a day or two at our place as well.”  
“Our place.”, Jesper repeated, the words as if he was trying them on his tongue, “Never thought, I’d settle down.”  
Wylan shrugged and knew that he was blushing the slightest bit, “You said something like this, but said, that I was worth it all.”  
Jes looked away and Wylan was sure, that he had overstepped a line. He had probably said too much for now.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It’s fine-”, Jesper said, “I don’t want to be treated like- I don’t want people to sugarcoat everything for me.”  
“I’ll try not to do that.”  
“Good. So, the thing with my Da. You meant that?”  
“Yeah.”  
“I missed him. When do you want to leave?”

They left a few days later. Jesper was excited and scared. Probably more scared, than excited. For multiple reasons. The first being, that he hadn’t seen his father in ages. Well, not that he could remember.  
He also hadn’t been away from Ketterdam in ages ( Not that he could remember).  
And of course, there was this boy. His boyfriend. Or exboyfriend?  
Jesper hated thinking about this because it made him feel stupid and confused. Like there was an inside joke and he was the only one not in with it. Only worse. Much worse. In a way, that it felt much dramatic.

Most of all, Jesper felt sad. The life and adventures people described to him sounded epic and like something, he’d want. He wasn’t sure on the settling down part but Wylan was cute enough.  
The thing was that Jesper liked looking at him and could imagine having some fun with him in the bedroom. He could also imagine looking at his pretty face as much as possible everyday but that wasn’t a relationship.  
Relationships scared Jesper the same way a lot of things scared him. His powers, disappointing his Da, disappointing Kaz and clowns were only a few of these examples.  
Jesper looked at Wylan, who was sitting across from him in the carriage and scribbling something. He wondered, what the boy was writing.  
He sighed. He could just ask. Maybe, he should try to be open with him. And he was bored anyway.  
“What are you writing?”  
“Writing?”, Wylan asked.  
“Letters, forming words, you know?”  
Wylan looked up and there was an expression of hurt, like Jesper had rarley seen it on anyones face in years.  
“I-I was drawing.”  
“Oh.”, Jesper said and ignored Wylans shock, “What are you drawing?”  
Wylan raised the sketchbook. He’d drawn a sunflower. Pretty and detailed to the last wrinkle on one of the petals.  
“That is amazing.”  
Wylan blushed and Jesper decided, that he really liked having that effect on him, “I- It’s nothing.”  
“It’s pretty.”, Jesper smiled, “Like you.”  
Wylan smiled back at him and then his face froze, before it turned into the parody of a smile as the expression dropped, “Don’t flirt with me.”  
“What?”  
“I-I can tell that you don’t mean it.”, Wylan grabbed his notebook so tight, his pale knuckles turned white, “And you flirting with me reminds me of the time, when you meant it. It just hurts.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It’s-”, Wylan shook his head, then his voice dropped, “Nothing against you, but I miss him so much and I wonder, if he comes back to me one day.”  
Jesper swallowed, “I hope so.”  
Wylan huffed but then he swallowed again, “He is- was not so different from you. I mean it’s obvious. But you haven’t changed so much. Grown? Yes. But not much apart from that.”  
“Gee, that sounds terrible.”  
“I mean it as a compliment.”  
Jesper nodded, “I think, just hearing, that I can grow is nice enough. I had a lot of people telling me, I never would.”  
“Kaz?”  
“Among them?”, Jesper smiled and he felt himself blushing the tiniest bit. Sometimes, talking about Kaz had that effect on him. He was always fascinated by that boy. Had always been fascinated. But he wasn’t a fool.  
Wylan nodded and tilted his head, like a curious bird, “Do you wanna play a game?”  
“Sure. Truth or dare? Twenty questions?”  
“No. You guess, what happened in the lost time and I say: right or wrong.”  
Jesper raised a brow, “Okay?”  
Wylan smiled at him and nodded his head into his direction, “Then start?”  
“Have we slept together?”  
It was cute to see, how the ginger boy immediately turned grimson red, “Yes. I didn’t mean these ques-”  
“Was it good?”, Jesper smirked, “How was I?”  
“Yes.”  
Jesper laughed, “That’s not an answer to how I was.”  
Wylan cleared his throat, “Next question.”  
“How was I?”  
“Annoying.”, Wylan said his firm voice not fitting together with his flushed face.   
Jesper giggled and for the first time in a few days, he actually felt happy, “Okay, how many games have I won?”  
“I never saw you win a single game, as long, as I’ve known you.”  
“Ouch.”  
Wylan shrugged and smirked, “Kaz always said, you are a miserable gambler, you know?”  
Jes laughed, “Now, I’m starting to doubt your whole memory loss story.”, he grinned at Wylan, who fidgeted with his sleeve.  
Surprisingly, the boy looked up with a cheeky grin, “Why? Because you are such a good gambler. Come on.”  
“No, because Kaz would never care about to say that.”  
“He changed.”  
Jesper nodded and frowned, “Can we play the game again? How did Kaz change?”  
“He became softer. He is still very Kaz-y but he shows human emotion from time to time, you know? And I think, that from time to time, he realises,that he isn’t the worst creature in this city.”  
“That’s good.”  
“Yeah. He can be-”, Wylan sighed, “Very dark sometimes and I think, that he still is, but there’s never just darkness. Not like it was before. I think now, there’s always some light in Kaz.”  
“I’m not gonna tell him you said that.”  
Wylan laughed and it was so damn cute, “I beg you.”  
“What do I get for that?”  
Wylan laughed, “No, I’m not gonna play that game with you now.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because, I know, you will want a kiss from me, Jes.”  
“And what is so bad about that? From what I heard, we dated. I mean I’m pretty sure, there has been kissing.”  
The other boys face darkened, “Just- let’s not- talk anymore for a bit. Okay?”  
“Oh?”  
“It just hurts me too much right now. And I know, I don’t have the right to be upset. It’s worse for you, but- But it’s just too much.”  
Jesper swallowed and nodded.  
He looked at Wylan for a moment, before he turned and looked out of the window of the small carriage.


	4. Chapter 4

Colm’s farm actually looked a lot different from how Wylan had imagined it. It was a lot taller, than Wylan had taken away from Jespers stories.

What wasn’t surprising was how homey it was. It was something this place shared with the Faheys. It would have been bewildering to Wylan a few months ago. Back then everything that was nice and simple had caused Wylan to distrust it. It had been unfamiliar back then.

Jesper was looking around, as they climbed out of the carriage, as if he had arrived here for the first time.

“It’s all the same.”, Jesper said with amazement in his voice.

“That’s good, I guess.”

“Perfect.”, Jesper grinned, “I grew up here. I broke my leg while falling off the roof of the storage building over there. I kissed my first girl in the field over there. And-” he pointed at a shed in the back of the farm, “This is where I kissed a boy for the first time.”

Wylan blushed and he knew, Jesper saw it.

“A walk down memory lane, huh?”, he said, before the ensuring silence could get too awkward.

“Kinda.”, Jesper shrugged.

Wylan frowned, “I’m surprised, that Colm isn’t here to greet us.”

“I guess, he is on the fields, working.”, Jesper said and shifted a little awkwardly. He had become less nervous and twitchy since he had moved in with Wylan and it felt unfamiliar by now.

Wylan nodded, “Sounds reasonable. So we wait outside.”

“Da never locks his door.”

“Might have changed by now.”, Wylan winced, remembering how they had pulled Colm into their trouble.

“How well do you know my Da?”

“A bit.”, Wylan said and shrugged, “He talked to me a bit, while he helped us out back in Ketterdam.”

“Did we already date back then?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I really don’t think so.”, Wylan mumbled, he had no idea, when they had started dating. After their kiss? After Jesper moved in? After Jesper called Wylan his boyfriend for the first time?

They had just decided that they were dating one day. Personally Wylan liked the version the most where Jesper saying, ‘I can read to him.’ was the start of them as an official couple. An act of bravery and defiance. A promise for a future. The promise of a future.

Jesper nodded and said nothing.

“I mean.”, Wylan said, “We had other things to worry about back then.”

Jesper shrugged and then waited a moment before speaking, as if he was considering his answer for that long, “I just thought, that - “

“That what?”

“That I would know someone longer. I mean, that I would know someone longer, when I actually start dating.”

“You think, we rushed it?”, Wylan asked, and sat down on a bench in front of the house.

“Maybe?”

The carriage drove off an Wylan just wished to be inside. To be anywhere but here with not-Jesper Jesper.

* * *

“Da!”, Jesper smiled bright, when his father walked around a corner and came back from the field. He still looked exactly the same. Sun tanned skin and a face that was a little wrinkly with red hair, that reminded Jesper of Wylan.

Wylan was still so strange to him. Jesper wasn’t really sure, what to make of him. He was attractive and cute. He seemed nice too? But the problem was that Jesper felt like he could never meet his expectations. Which was dumb. He had met them once, right?

This other perfect and improved Jesper had met this boys expectations. And the worst part was, that Jesper wasn’t sure, if he could ever be, what he wanted him to be. It was dumb that he was jealous of himself but he was.

His friends and Wylan had grown used to a perfect version of him. Why would they settle for what he was now?

At least his father was still looking at him the way, he always had and Jesper wondered, if that was ever gonna change.

“Jesper.”, Colm said and cupped Jes’ face with his big calloused hands. Usually, he would be annoyed by that. But now it just felt familiar. Like a safe harbour in a storm sea.

“Da, there’s something, I have to tell you-”

“Wylan told me in a letter.”

Wylan looked down at his feet.

Jesper knew, that it had been wrong from Wylan to tell his father about his memory loss. Especially without asking or telling Jesper. But he wasn’t mad. He felt thankful even, because he had no idea, how he would have handled it.

“Dad, I-”

“It’s okay.”, Colm hugged Jesper so hard it hurt but he enjoyed it. It was familiar and Jesper craved these moments these days.

“Da, I don’t know, what to do.”, Jesper whispered and looked down at his feet. He couldn’t tell his Dad, that he was mostly struggling because Kaz wasn’t allowing him back into the dregs. Well at least, he wasn’t letting him work for the dregs.

Kaz said, that it was just for the best of Jesper. But how could it be for the best, if it hurt so much?

All Jesper wanted was his old life back. And ideally he wanted his whole life back without people talking about some other version of him all the time.

“Just come inside for now.”, his father said, “Wylan come inside too, I’ll make dinner for us and we can make plans for tomorrow.”

Wylan nodded, “Thanks, Mr. Fahey.”

“I already told you to call me Colm.”

Wylan nodded. It was weird to see him out of his comfort zone. Jesper decided, that he did not like it.

* * *

Wylan sat down on one of the comfy chairs. They felt a little too soft. Back home, all they had were expensive seats, meant to look pretty. Sitting on them felt like sitting on a stone though. These seats were the opposite.

So much here was the opposite from how things were at home.

It was unusual but not unpleasant. At least from Wylans perspective. Jesper looked more at home than he had been anywhere since the day, he was assaulted.

“So, what about the cows?”, Jesper asked.

“Mary had calves.”

Jesper grinned, “Wow, I remember, when she was just one herself.”

Wylan looked between them with interest. 

He had always liked to think about Jesper on the farm. It sounded so much like him.

At the same time, he rarely talked about it.

The evening went on and mainly it was Colm and Jesper talking. Wylan added something from time to time but it felt like an important father/son catch up. And most importantly, Jesper was at ease.

Wylan yawned and blushed a little, “I should probably go to bed.”

“I guess.”, Colm grinned.

“Da-”, Jesper said, “Would you excuse me. I want to go outside with Wylan. If you want to of course.”

“It’s okay.”, Colm said.

Wylan nodded, “Yeah, if you want to.”

Jesper grinned, “I want to show you the stars out here. They are beautiful.”

Wylan stared at Jesper and for a moment, he forgot about the memory loss. For a moment, it was just as it had been before.

“So?”, Jes asked.  
“Yeah, okay.”

Jesper looked at his Da, “Thanks for the dinner.”

“It’s okay.”, Colm grinned, “Have fun.”

Jesper and Wylan walked side by side out of the house. Wylan sighed and looked at Jesper, “You know, what you used to call me?”

“What?”

“Merchling.”, Wylan smiled at the warm feeling in his stomach, “Used to call me that all the time.”

Jesper laughed and it was so sincere and happy, it made Wylan smile along to it.  
“Merchling.”, Jesper said and for a moment, everything felt the same, it had all felt a week ago. Wylan couldn’t believe, it had just been a week. That it had been a week ago that Jesper had called him by his nickname.

“It is a bit uncreative.”, Jesper said after a pause.  
“Creativity was never your strength.”

“I have plenty of other strengths to make up for it.”, Jesper nudged Wylan in the side and wiggled his eyebrows.

Wylan groaned but then decided to go along with it, “I know that.”

This time it was Jespers time to blush. Well, as much, as his dark skin allowed him to do. It was still a nice sight for a change.

“I’d be glad to prove it to you again.”

Wylan grinned and blushed more, when he realised, what they were doing. They were flirting. Again. After all this time, they were flirting.

When Wylan looked back at Jes, he was staring at him and licking his lips. Before Wylan could think about, he leaned over and kissed Jesper.

The kiss was so much like their very first kiss. Like that evening in Ketterdam, when everything had been complicated and scary.

Just like it was now.  
Back then, it had been the beginning of things getting better. Of their lives changing for the better. Maybe that was true now too.

Jesper pulled back and smiled, “Oh.”

Wylan smiled at him, “I shouldn’t have-”

“No, no. It was perfect.”, Jes said, “I’ve been thinking about it for some time, you know? It just always felt wrong.”

“It felt wrong?”

“Like the wrong time. You actually managed to choose the right moment, merchling.”

Wylan smiled, “Can we try again?”

“Try again?”

Wylan shrugged, “Try to be a couple? Maybe, we can get your memory back. Maye, we won’t but I don’t care.”

Jesper swallowed, “I don’t think, I can be that for you.”

“What?”

“Wylan, you deserve-”, Jesper stopped and shrugged, “Not me? I don’t think we should-”

“I get it.”

“It’s not- I have changed. I’m not ready to be what you need.”

“I get it.”, Wylan said, not able to hide his sob anymore.

Jesper swallowed, his adams apple bobbing, “I- Please, don’t cry.”

“I can’t help it.”

“That makes it worse.”, Jesper said quietly and put a hand on Wylans back.

Wylan enjoyed the touch and closed his eyes, “I should go inside.”

“I wish, I would remember. And I promise to try.”

“That’s all I can ask for.”, Wylan whispered.

Jesper nodded and got up, walking back to the house.

Wylan looked at Jesper, as he walked back. It was the worst, he had felt in a long time. It felt as if the whole world was collapsing around him. He hoped, no one would hear him crying himself to sleep this night.

Jesper didn’t want him.

Wylan felt reminded of his father and that made it worse.

It wasn’t fair to Jesper.

His father was evil, Jesper good.

His father hadn’t wanted him, because he wasn’t enough, and Jesper didn’t want him-

Jesper didn’t want him, because he felt like he wasn’t enough. Wylan wasn’t sure what was worse. Feeling like he was a failure or knowing his boyfriend felt like he was a failure. What Wylan knew, was that he had to help him with that.

But not today. The night was already falling upon the little farm and maye sleep was exactly, what they both needed.

* * *

Jesper didn’t sleep that night. He just stared out of the window, looking at the stars hoping to grow tired eventually.

It didn’t happen.

Had he made a mistake?

It felt like one.

Jesper sighed and looked at the shadows the rising sun had started to paint onto the ceiling of his room. The sun had the color of Jurda blossoms in Novy Zem. He had forgotten about that. Well, not completely but almost. Jesper had grown to love Ketterdam but home was still home. For a moment, he wondered, if he should stay here. Leave everything behind and return home.

“Jes?”, his Da asked.

Jesper flinched, “Da?”

“Obviously.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Last I checked, it was my house.”

Jesper sighed and tried to hold back a laugh, “Da, not now. I’m sad, please don’t try to cheer me up.”

“That’s my job.”

“It’s not.”

“What happened, Jes?”, Colm asked.

Jesper sighed, “Wylan and I are- We kinda had a fight.”

“A fight?”

“Not a fight. I broke up with him. I mean, I don’t know, if we were really together. But if we were, we aren’t anymore.”

“Jes. Why? You two are perfect for each other.”

“No.”, Jesper said, “He and Wylan were perfect. I am not. I don’t even know Wylan. Why should I-”

“Listen.”, Colm said, “Stop that. What you are doing is hurting yourself. And Jesper, I know you well enough, to know you are doing this on purpose.”

“Da-”

“No, listen to me. That boy and you are perfect for each other. And it doesn’t matter who you are now.”

“I feel like it does.”

“You two need each other.”, Colm said.

“I’m scared, I’ll screw it up.”

“But what if you don’t?”

Jesper shook his head, “Don’t start with that.”

Colm sighed, “Try it. He will love you no matter what.”

“That’s a big word.”

“You are a big guy.”

Jesper sighed, “I wish that you’d say somethin helpful once in a while.”

Colm laughed and the sound of it was calming like hot chocolate, “Jes.”

“Thanks.”, Jesper said after a pause, “I’ll see, what I can do.”

“That’s all I’m asking for. That is all anyone can ever ask for.”

“Thank you.”,Jesper nodded and walked back to his room.

Jesper took a little pillow, that had been laying on the floor next to his bed. He had probably kicked it out.

He sighed and started pulling some of the color out of it. He was making it uglier, that was for sure but it helped him.

It was weird how familiar using his powers felt.

Jesper blinked against images, trying to force his way into his head.

> _ He was laying on his back, someone was pressing down on him. _
> 
> _ Not in a good way. _
> 
> _ Jesper looked around and there was Wylan. Being pressed down as well. _
> 
> _ Everything was a blur. _
> 
> _ Wylan looked at Jesper with panic in his eyes, but then there was another thing, hope and something more, he yelled something but Jesper couldn’t hear it. _
> 
> _ Without current Jesper really doing anything, the Jesper in his head obeyed. He sank tiny pieces of metal through the man on top of him. _
> 
> _ And on top of Wylan. _

Jesper rubbed his head, he felt dizzy and like throwing up. What had just happened felt like a dream but he hadn’t been asleep.

He groaned and walked towards Wylans room.

He knocked at the door, “Hey?”

“Hey?”, Jesper said again.

“Come in.”

Jesper opened the door, Wylan was sitting on his bed, his hair a mess. It looked absolutely adorable.

“What is it?”, he asked.

“Did we-”, Jesper gestured vaguely, “Did we get into any situation, where we were pinned to the ground and I fabricated?”

Wylan stared at him and for a moment, his mouth opened and closed, “Yeah?”

Jesper ran a hand through his hair. He was remembering. There could be no other explanation. He was just not sure, if he should be happy or scared.

“When did you remember? What made you remember?”

“I was fabricating.”

Wylan smiled at him with a wide grin, “Jesper! That is amazing. Maybe using your power is what might trigger your memories for good.”

“I figured that much.”

“Then do more.”

Jesper just stared at Wylan.

“Why aren’t you doing this?”, Wylan asked, “I mean, why are you hesitating? Don’t you want your memories back?”

“I’m scared.”

Wylan nodded, “You don’t have to do anything, you don’t want after- You don’t have to take me back, you know? But you grew and got happier, that’s what you should get back.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”, Jesper asked, “What if I hold on to that piece of hope and my powers won’t bring back my memories?”

“What if it works?”, Wylan asked, “You know, you are usually the optimist between the two of us.”

“Can you be there, when I try?”

Wylan looked at Jesper and he looked so happy, it hurt a little, “Of course, I can be there, you don’t have to ask.”

“Good.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of.”

“Easy for you to see.”

Wylan went up and shook his head, “I know, that this is harder on you. Very, very much harder but it is also hard on me.”

Jesper looked at the ground, “And this being hard for you makes it harder for me.”

“This sucks.”

Jesper shook his head, “We need to stick together then.”

Wylan nodded, “Is there any place, you would prefer to do the fabricating? Like someplace you feel safe?”

“The jurda fields.”

Wylan smiled, “Sounds good.”

“Come on.”

* * *

They walked out on the jurda fields. The red blossoms were all around them and Wylan was taken aback by the prettiness of it.

“Here?”, he asked.

Jesper took his hand, “A little farther in.”

Wylan looked down at where their hands were intervened. 

It was like before. He was still remembering what Jesper said last night, but somehow this felt like- something.

Jes stopped, “Here. I think, here is goo.”

Wylan nodded, “Alright. Then go ahead.”

Jesper paused, “What I said the other night. Can we forget about that?”

“Already did.”, Wylan said and paused, “So, you want to try it again?”

“Again. For the first time.”, Jesper shrugged, “But yeah.”

Wylan felt his insides warm at these words. It was a beautiful day and they were standing in nicely smelling blooming jurda. 

Jesper smiled and leaned forward and suddenly they were kissing. This time, the kiss came with the certainty, that had always been part of their shared kisses.

“You met me in a factory.”,Wylan whispered against Jespers chest, “You recruited me for Kaz and just walked in there and I fought you were the prettiest boy, I’ve ever seen.”

Jesper grinned, “Of course, I am.”

Laughing Wylan continued, “You later told me, that you thought I looked like a prince in a wrong story.”

“I can see, where I came from.”, Jesper said softly, and then swallowed, “I wanna start now.”

“Do you want me to take a step back?”

“No. It will be fine.”

Wylan nodded and watched. Jesper put his hands on one of the blossoms and closed his eyes. Then the blossom turned grey. For a moment, nothing happened except for that, then Jespers lips curled up, “We stole your fathers painting?”

Wylan never thought that this sentence could give him this kind of joy but right now, he was the happiest boy in the world.

* * *

Epilogue

Wylan looked at Jesper, as he slept next to him. He reached out and touched his head, slowly wiping away a strand of hair.

Jespers nose curled and he opened one eye, “What?”

“Sorry.”

“A kruge for your thoughts,merchling.”

Wylan shook his head, “I’m just happy.”, he shrugged and propped his head up on the pillow to look at him.

“Happy about what?”

“That you have your memories back. And that we can make new ones. Together.”

Jesper smiled at that.

It had not taken long after Jesper had gotten his first memories back, that the others followed them.

Jesper had been excited at the recovery of each new one.

Once, he had even dared to hug Kaz.

Kaz, who had dealt with the men responsible for Jespers loss of memory.

Jesper hasn’t been sure, what to think about that. Wylan had been sure of that very much, if he was honest with himself.

And just that thought alone had made him realise something:  
If he had lost his memory he would have been changed too. 

Maybe more.

The thought was a scary thing. Wylan had grown to be his own man, or at least not to be the shadow of his fathers expectations anymore.

Jesper kissed him, tearing him away from his thoughts.

“What?”

“You looked sad, merchling.”, Jesper said matter of factly.

“I’m just- thinking.”, Wylan said and smiled nicely, “I’m happy though, I’m always happy when we are together.”

“Aw, you are cheesy.”

“I’m romantic.”

“Whatever, baby.”

Wylan grinned and kissed Jesper back. It felt like coming home. In a way, it even felt more like coming home, than coming home did.

“Cheesy.”, Jesper mumbled.

“I said nothing.”

“I know, you. You were thinking cheesy shit.”


End file.
